Despite the ‘sticks and stones’ quote, words do hurt..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

How many times have you heard this saying? I remember hearing this a lot as a child and to be honest it did not make much sense to me. Negative words DID hurt.  Of course being hit or punched hurts a person physically but words penetrate deep within. Words remain long after the situation has ended. Words remain even when the person is no longer in your life.  Words (if you allow them to) assist in defining who you are. If positive then you will be encouraged and believe you can go on to do anything. If negative they can weigh you down and rob you of your self-esteem.

Children and teenagers have different levels of resilience. Some are confident in who they are and their appearance which may (or not) be a product of their home environment. Others are more sensitive and take things to heart.  Therefore it is important to build resilience and confidence into a child before they start school.  This will then give you as the parent/guardian the control to influence how the child views themselves, their values and their outlook on life. Waiting until after children start school brings the danger of their peers, teachers and support staff defining who they are.  Waiting until a situation arises is a little too late.

Children need to be prepared to stand tall and show an inner strength even if inside they are unsure of themselves.  Children need to be taught that not everyone will take to them and this is actually okay. Children need to be taught they will not be included in everything and this too is okay.  What is not acceptable is physical and verbal bullying whether from family members, peers, people in authority.  Children need to be confident and safe to confide in you if they are vulnerable and the subject to any kind of abuse.

Adults can also be victims of verbal abuse; in the workplace, in the family home. In this case the adult chooses to accept this behaviour as their confidence has been broken. Perhaps they feel ashamed that this is happening to them and therefore are reluctant to confide in anyone. Perhaps years of criticism from a child to an adult has left them vulnerable which shows.  Perhaps they believe the cruel words that have been spoken over them and have no more fight left. The reasons will be different for each person but the outcome is the same; low self esteem and a feeling of helplessness.

The abuse can be dealt with in the following ways;

1. Removing yourself from the situation (in the safest possible way)

2. Reporting the individual(s)

3. Confiding in someone you trust

4. Counselling

Abuse of any kind can make one feel isolated and rejected and more likely to draw back from everyone around them.  Resist the urge to do so as you will only feel further alienated which of course is the main reason people abuse.

What are your experiences of verbal abuse?
What advice would you offer to those raising children or trying to overcome their own past abuse?

There is no use crying over spilt milk!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a child and young teenager I could not stand being told “there is no use crying over spilt milk”. At the time I would have been upset over one thing or another and felt my tears were valid.  I was of the mindset that if you were upset you had every reason to show this.

I struggled to deal with anything that jeopardised my plans and with disappointment. I recall receiving earrings for my 13th birthday and the clasp broke soon after. I was completly inconsolable and upset for most of the day. The damage was done and I felt disappointed and angry in myself. Looking back on my life, I often blamed myself even when found in situations that were not of my own doing.

The term ‘ there is no use crying over spilt milk’ simply means there is no use getting upset AFTER something has gone wrong.  It cannot be changed therefore it should be accepted (taken from UsingEnglish.com website).  In theory this makes sense but the reality is far from different. We respond to challenges and disappointments in varying ways depending on our resilience, our life experiences and mindset. Some quickly bounce back whilst others allow it to consume them.

Several times a month my train is cancelled or delayed. Initially I would grow frustrated at the thought of adding to my commute which was already long and for being late to work.  My mood then impacted on the first part of my day.  I would question my life and my tiring commute (ever the over thinker)!  I slowly came to the realisation that I had to learn to deal with disappointments otherwise they would have a hold over me. I now board my train at an earlier time than necessary, in the case of delays/cancellations I can take the following train and still be on time.

Worrying or over thinking adds nothing to our lives yet so many of us do it.  In some ways it gives us the go ahead to maintain a negative perspective on life, a reason to be miserable.  This is living half a life and not at all recommended.

What are your views on not crying over spilt milk?
What advice would you give?

Do you truly make good use of your free time?

Recently I have been thinking more about time.    How little it seems we have compared to how much needs to be done. We all receive 24 hours yet some appear to accomplish much in this time and others very little. I think of world leaders, politicians, producers and the like who more often than not achieve their objectives.  I presume they go to sleep just as you and I do therefore they have no additional hours in the day in which to function. Having said that they may well limit their sleeping hours. I read the late Margaret Thatcher, UK Prime Minister 1979 to 1990 slept for just four hours a night. Clearly she was able to function with minimum sleep!

In order to achieve your desired outcome on a project or process, you need to focus and shut off any distractions.  TV and social media are major culprits in taking up our time but only if we let them.  We are in control of what we choose to give our time to.  It is our responsibility to make good use of our time.

Around three years ago I made the decision to stop watching UK soap operas. For those in the UK I am referring to Eastenders, Emmerdale and Coronation Street.  My daughter was six year old and slowly becoming consumed by the storylines which were usually rather negative. I decided there and then I did not want these soaps acting as any form of influence in her life so stopped watching them- just like that! I did not miss them at all and even better I got back 1.5 hours of my life every evening to carry out far more constructive activities such as reading, jotting down ideas for my blog and networking on LinkedIn.

Perhaps watching television may not be an issue for you but I have listed some tips below;

1. If you find you spend an hour or two on the telephone each evening, consider making calls during lunchtime or on your commute.

2. If you find you waste time on the internet, consider allocating specific time slots to do this or log out of particular sites making it less easy for you to mindlessly surf.

3. Be confident in declining another ‘night out’ if it will mean you can spend time on a project or task. Whilst socialising is important sometimes you have to weigh up which will bring more value to your life.

So to end, there will be a continuous string of events, people and circumstances wanting to utilise your time.  It is unlikely you can juggle them all therefore you will need to prioritise and prioritise some more.

How do you manage your time?
How do you find the balance between work, business and leisure?

Introvert or extrovert- which are you?

I am sure many, if not all of you know of the term introvert and extrovert.  However, I have  given a brief outline below.

An introvert is someone who prefers solidarity to spending time in large groups. They feel more energised after spending time alone.

An extrovert is someone who finds energy by interacting with others. They prefer to be in the company of others than be alone.

Contrary to popular belief, introverts are not necessarily shy or unassertive. If they are it is not a prequisite of this trait. Extroverts too may not be loud or even confident, they just thrive off of spending a lot of their time with others.

I am an introvert and always have been.  As a child it would take me at least an hour or two to settle into a new environment.  I recall my mother urging me to go and play with the other children when we attended parties.  I preferred to stay on the outside observing from afar.  My younger sister on the other hand would jump straight in!

I was content being an introvert as a child but felt it was a major hindrance once I hit my teenage years. I had one main friend in and out of school and did not desire more. I was friendly with a few peers but always avoided large groups. I felt uncomfortable being surrounded by a lot of people – almost as if I could not be myself. I was too self conscious and not at all confident which doubled with my introvert ways was rather crippling. I yearned to be outgoing and the life and soul of the party but it was just not part of my make up.

Looking back to my college and university years, I tended to have one friend and rarely hung out in groups. On occasions when my friend was absent, I would happily spend my break times alone. I did not mind as by this time I enjoyed my own company. Back in the early 1990’s I listened to music on my Walkman – who remembers these?

Even at my place of work, the majority of the time I take lunch breaks alone in an office or go for a walk.  I use this time to recharge and gather my thoughts.  I embrace the introvert in me and accept this is who I am.

Though I enjoy spending time alone, I am sociable when out at events or occasions. However, I can guarantee that I will spend at least an hour unwinding on returning home regardless of how late it is. My husband finds this most baffling!

Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, learn to accept yourself. There are advantages to both traits and in my opinion, one is not better than the other, just different.  There is a need for both introverts and extroverts in friendship groups, families, organisations and businesses.

Are you an introvert or extrovert?
At what stage in life did you realise this?
What do you feel are the advantages?