“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
How many times have you heard this saying? I remember hearing this a lot as a child and to be honest it did not make much sense to me. Negative words DID hurt. Of course being hit or punched hurts a person physically but words penetrate deep within. Words remain long after the situation has ended. Words remain even when the person is no longer in your life. Words (if you allow them to) assist in defining who you are. If positive then you will be encouraged and believe you can go on to do anything. If negative they can weigh you down and rob you of your self-esteem.
Children and teenagers have different levels of resilience. Some are confident in who they are and their appearance which may (or not) be a product of their home environment. Others are more sensitive and take things to heart. Therefore it is important to build resilience and confidence into a child before they start school. This will then give you as the parent/guardian the control to influence how the child views themselves, their values and their outlook on life. Waiting until after children start school brings the danger of their peers, teachers and support staff defining who they are. Waiting until a situation arises is a little too late.
Children need to be prepared to stand tall and show an inner strength even if inside they are unsure of themselves. Children need to be taught that not everyone will take to them and this is actually okay. Children need to be taught they will not be included in everything and this too is okay. What is not acceptable is physical and verbal bullying whether from family members, peers, people in authority. Children need to be confident and safe to confide in you if they are vulnerable and the subject to any kind of abuse.
Adults can also be victims of verbal abuse; in the workplace, in the family home. In this case the adult chooses to accept this behaviour as their confidence has been broken. Perhaps they feel ashamed that this is happening to them and therefore are reluctant to confide in anyone. Perhaps years of criticism from a child to an adult has left them vulnerable which shows. Perhaps they believe the cruel words that have been spoken over them and have no more fight left. The reasons will be different for each person but the outcome is the same; low self esteem and a feeling of helplessness.
The abuse can be dealt with in the following ways;
1. Removing yourself from the situation (in the safest possible way)
2. Reporting the individual(s)
3. Confiding in someone you trust
4. Counselling
Abuse of any kind can make one feel isolated and rejected and more likely to draw back from everyone around them. Resist the urge to do so as you will only feel further alienated which of course is the main reason people abuse.
What are your experiences of verbal abuse?
What advice would you offer to those raising children or trying to overcome their own past abuse?